I’ve noticed something about my alarm clock: If I set it for 4 a.m., it goes off at 4 a.m. every time. It doesn’t sometimes sound at 4 and other times at 9. It always goes off at 4.
It was designed to respond the way I’ve instructed it to when I set it. For me to expect it to function any other way would be silly. And yet sometimes, we expect people to function differently than they were programmed to function. Here’s an example.
Research teaches us the early years of life design the architecture of the brain. A child who experiences dependable and affectionate caregiving “wires” his brain for trusting relationships, prosocial behavior, and learning.
But a child who experiences early abuse or neglect wires his brain differently. If he can’t count on the care of others or experiences violence or trauma, the architecture that develops in his brain supports him for defense and survival. He’s less available for learning and relationships as he devotes his resources to staying safe.
And yet when these very different children go to school, we expect the same readiness for learning. We hope they’ll devote their attention to reading and numbers, but some will instead spend their energy paying attention to how people are looking at them so they can stay safe. It’s how they were designed.
When they experience a minor altercation on the playground, we assume kids should be able to talk it out amiably. Instead, some fly into an aggressive mode with deeply conditioned hair-trigger responses. This leads to their punishment which only reinforces their view that the world is not a safe place.
Real school readiness is about a child’s capacity for managing himself in a group. It’s based on a child’s ability to self-regulate—to control his own behavior.
This self-regulation is necessary for a person to function in society. And yet, when we give children a substandard early life experience, we fail to set them up to develop this critical skill set.
When it comes to building prosocial behavior in our citizenry, we need to start early, making sure every baby has the dependable love and support of someone who’s crazy about him.
